Navigating relationships - is someone in your life making you miserable?

The main people in our lives can be a source of happiness, support, purpose and comfort, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes the people closest to us can leave us feeling frustrated, not listened to, not cared for, alone or hurt.

Sometimes it’s easy enough to just avoid that person, but that’s difficult when they’re a family member or part of a circle of friends or if they’re someone we still value in some way or feel stuck to. Those mixed feelings can be really hard to navigate. And you can find yourself really impacted by what they do - feeling miserable, avoiding things, taking it out on other people, or even questioning yourself.

Why do they do this if they seem to care about you? Why can’t they be different? Why can’t you make them understand? Why can’t you just let it go?

We all have options when we’re faced with this situation. I’d like to think that there’s always the possibility of talking with that person to try to change or improve the relationship. This isn’t your worst enemy right? We’re talking about someone who seems to care about you or feel some sort responsibility to you.

Can they be helped to understand what they’re doing and the way that it impacts you? Are they open to making a change in their behaviour going forward? There are ways of sharing what’s happening for you and what you need that make it much easier for another person to hear you and engage with it rather than react with defensiveness. Here we’re talking about communication approaches and tools and there are a lot to explore.

And sometimes that’s not possible. For whatever reason, the thing that you need from that person isn’t possible, there’s something getting in the way, and they can’t give it to you. When that becomes clear, then the next step can be to make peace with it, to find some way to accept it (in a real sense) and not be disturbed by the thing they do. This can include checking on and changing your expectations of them, working to improve some other part of the relationship that you can change, or getting support from others.

And sometimes even this strategy isn’t possible, for whatever reason the thing that’s the problem is too significant for you to not be impacted by. In these situations, you have the option of taking a step back from the person, not necessarily to remove them from your life altogether. This can include reducing the contact you have with them, or the environment in which you see them, or consciously choosing to avoid topics that will bring you distress. 

It’s important to be aware of the option to step back from someone who makes you unhappy, but people who rely on this strategy can end up very alone. So it’s important to hold the option while also developing your ability to have difficult conversations and give critical feedback, as well as finding ways to accept the ways that others are different or difficult.

These different approaches all start with noticing what’s really happening for you, how you’re seeing things, what you need, why this is important to you, and especially the emotions that are playing out. Constructively exploring this internal experience is critical for finding the path forward that will help you get what you need in that relationship.

It helps to have someone to talk to who cares for you and who is also independent from your life and the people in it. Helping people to understand the relationships in their life and how to make them as happy, healthy and supportive as possible is one of the most important and satisfying parts of my work.