Healing hurt and damage in relationships

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are able to heal far more hurt and damage in relationships than most of us think possible. Some things are required – having two people who want to do the work to heal, and those people having the knowledge or support to do so.

This is not to say that this is the right choice to make every time someone has been hurt. Sometimes two people will be happier or healthier out of the same relationship they’ve been in, or being in the relationship on a different basis and with different expectations. And sometimes one or both people won’t have the interest or ability to take part in healing. That’s ok too. It might be sad, and ok.

After someone has felt hurt or let down in a relationship, the goal is that the hurt person can return to a sense of safety (safety in regard to what happened and whether they might be hurt that way again). That hurt person gets to decide when they feel safe again (of course).

And most of the responsibility for healing the hurt lies with the person who caused the hurt. But the hurt person has some responsibility for helping the hurter know when they’re doing a good job and what that hurt person needs to feel safer again.

Often, a hurt person needs to hear responsibility and ownership. Often they need to hear regret. Often it’s meaningful to hear the hurter express some understanding of the harm that was caused, the emotions or beliefs that their words or actions might have caused. Sometimes they need to hear a commitment that the same thing won’t happen again, with some details about how and why. And validation, validation, validation.

Difficult emotions can need particular things to settle down and pass. Broken trust can need particular things to be rebuilt. And often the unspoken question or uncertainty is whether the hurt person is right or safe to believe that the hurter cares and values them.

Sometimes the best apologies and healing actions can need time to flow through and “feel” effective. And there are no guarantees through the process. Perhaps most worrying for the hurter – they are not entitled to anything.

What if both people in a relationship feel hurt? What if the hurt person has heard apologies before? What if a heartfelt apology seems to inflame the hurt person’s hurt? What if defensiveness rears its head? These are natural and difficult challenges and there are ways to navigate them with openness, bravery and care.