Avoiding difficult conversations

One of my favourite questions for people is “What’s the best way for that person to let you know when they’re upset about something?” The assumption in that question is that people should tell someone when they’re upset and that we should want to hear it. But both of those ideas can feel uncomfortable or difficult to practice. Why is that?

All of us have had experiences of trying to express something difficult and getting a response that makes it feel unsafe or unsatisfying to have done so. “That’s not so bad”, or “No, I didn’t”, or “Yes, but you…”, or “Well, that’s because…”. As kids who were upset, we were often told “Be quiet”, “Don’t be sad”, “Don’t be silly”, and “You’ll be right”.

Apart from being dismissed at times, raising a concern can also lead to conflict, where we seem to be punished or hurt more for feeling and expressing something difficult.

Sometimes we think it’s better to deal with something ourselves, not wanting to burden someone we care about. And plenty of us have grown up with the belief that we’re just meant to be “strong”, which seems to mean we’re not meant to feel difficult things, or that it’s weird if we need care or support.

We've also had the experience that telling someone we’re upset can make them feel hurt or attacked, and we don’t want that.

These experiences and beliefs all make a compelling case that sharing something difficult or seeking care won’t go well and isn’t worth it.

So we all bottle things up. And that hurts us and the key relationships in our lives. We’re left with difficult emotions that get stuck and can turn into resentment, loneliness and hopelessness. When someone has negatively impacted us and we don’t say anything, we deny them the chance to learn and grow as a person or to become a better friend or partner. When we bottle up difficult things, our partner will often notice and feel a wall between us, or a distance, and, in turn, feel like they should hold things in as well.

Having difficult conversations starts with the choice to be brave, and with the principles that we’re not meant to be unhappy and that we’re not meant to deal with difficult things on our own. We can commit to transparency and care, and foster expression in ourselves and the people closest to us. 

There are ways to share concerns and frustrations without attacking. There are ways to help people understand what’s happening for you and know how to give you care and support. There are ways to navigate differences. There are ways to heal hurt and damage. 

Tuning in to the specific emotions being felt in any situation and identifying the needs of the people involved are critical. With the right tools and supports closer, happier and easier relationships are possible.